Museums For Morons

Disneyland and Walt Disney World are places of magic and fantasy, designed to provide children and adults of all ages a fun escape from their daily concerns.

Unfortunately, Disney has missed the all important demographic of morons who need their own escape from reality. Happily, I recently learned that there is such a place located not far from Cincinnati in Petersburg, Kentucky. It is related to neither Disneyland nor Walt Disney World. It’s called The Creation Museum.

Here you will learn that the “universe is just over 6,000 years old, created in six days by God.” Here you will see “an animatronic display that includes a girl feeding a carrot to a squirrel as two dinosaurs stand nearby.” Here you will learn that “about 50 kinds of dinosaurs were aboard Noah’s ark, but later went extinct for unknown reasons.”

I know all this because the quotations above were taken from a June 30th, 2009 article in the New York Times. The story told of a group of about 70 paleontologists (these are the scientists who know that the “theory of evolution” is factual) who took a break from their convention at the University of Cincinnati to tour the museum.

One paleontologist, Stefan Bengston from Sweden, was curious to see it because, “we have little of that kind of thing in Sweden.”

I’ll bet. Perhaps only in America would stupidity of this kind have over 750,000 visitors since opening two years ago.

But this museum gave me an idea for other museums based on the great P T Barnum’s business advice to would be entrepreneurs: “There’s a sucker born ever minute.” Consider these possibilities:

The Drug Museum. Here you will see exhibits extolling the success our War On Drugs has had on their eradication. Avoid the parking lot, however. Unscrupulous vendors will try and sell you tobacco and sugar packets claiming that they are really marijuana and cocaine. Of course, this is a hoax designed to cheat the gullible since, as the museum clearly demonstrates, illegal drugs have been eradicated, thus allowing our great legal drug companies to prosper.

The Global Warming Museum. Finally, a museum that incontrovertibly proves that climate change is natural and that humans have absolutely no effect on it (be sure to take advantage of the coupon that allows you to tour this museum as well as The Creation Museum for half price). No need here for that hazardous materials suit that you normally wear outside. Even your gas mask can be left at the door! Here, you can walk around comfortably in our ironically named "climate controlled environment." See the earth as it was before the sea levels rose! Marvel at the Dupont Corporation’s clever recreation of the Arctic ice shelf! Tour the Monsanto exhibit and see what food looked like before it had to be genetically grown indoors (samples offered in our cafeteria at a reduced price)! Experience what a balmy 120 degrees felt like before the earth warmed up (Arizonians may choose to skip this one)! Tour guides from the Exxon Corporation are available to answer any questions you may have.

The George Orwell Memorial Museum. First having opened our doors in 1984, this is our oldest museum. As you enter, you will be given the name of your Congressional representative, the date that he or she first entered office and the approximate number of years after they die when they will no longer be elected to office. This is one of the country’s most popular museums since, as you tour, money is showered down on you from above in the same amount that your representative has received from the defense, pharmaceutical, health insurance and financial services industries during his/her tenure. Hard hats must be worn at all times. We needn’t remind you of the unfortunate demise of Mr. Jonathan Peters (name changed at the request of his family) who, removing his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow, was crushed by the cascading quantity of money in just the 5 seconds it took for him to do so. Here you will find beautiful wax likenesses of the five Supreme Court justices whose ruling in the Citizens United v FEC case, allowing unrestricted Corporate campaign contributions, made the museum possible (as you know, the Federal Elections Commission was disbanded shortly after this ruling). As you enter, be sure to notice the beautifully carved inscription above the door proclaiming the eternal truths that "war is peace," "love is hate" and “money does not influence my vote.”

The Oil Museum. Unfortunately, The Oil Museum, devoted to demonstrating the wisdom of “drill here, drill now,” had to be closed as the search continues to find enough oil to mount an exhibit. The museum is scheduled to reopen on the same day the War On Terror is won.

Space does not permit me to highlight the virtues of The Private Prison Museum which explains how all crime came to be eliminated, The Insurance Company Museum designed to show why we now rank lower than Haiti in health care outcomes and, of course, my favorite, The Sarah Palin Museum for those who think The Creation Museum is too intellectual.

Enjoy your museum visits.